I know funny people who say funny things (particularly when drunk). So without further ado:

Quote

Quote
12 hours ago    |   Tags: johnny   |   Notes: 2

"It’s hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock in an attic fire."

- Johnny (and imagine this being said in an almost incomprehensibly thick Tennessee drawl)

Quote

Quote
1 day ago    |   Tags: sloane hoppy  

"Ew, those brown things on your plate look like Hoppy turds!"

- Sloane, my 6-year-old cousin, comparing my dinner to her rabbit’s feces

Chat
2 days ago    |   Tags: aunt kelly johnny  

  • Aunt Kelly: He’s the one who said sexier than socks on a rooster.
  • Johnny: I saw that in a movie, so it’s real.

Chat
3 days ago    |   Tags: grandma gimp   |   Notes: 1

  • Grandma: What do we do about the fire? Do we wait for it to go out, or...
  • Gimp: We’re all gonna stand up in a minute, and it’s gonna be harder for you all, but we’re gonna pee on it.

Chat
4 days ago    |   Tags: fatima jenny the sun!   |   Notes: 1

  • Fatima: There's all this weird light on us.
  • Jenny: It's called the sun.

Chat
5 days ago    |   Tags: grandma aunt kelly moving furniture  

  • Grandma: Do you think he had a good time?
  • Aunt Kelly: He could have a good time in a box by himself. (pause) Because he can move his own furniture.

Euphemisms

Chat
6 days ago    |   Tags: aunt kelly gimp grandma moving furniture   |   Notes: 1

  • Aunt Kelly: That’s what they call it, moving furniture. Because that’s what it sounds like.
  • Gimp: You better not be moving furniture with him! You see, when you get up there in years—
  • Grandma: I don’t need to move furniture with him. I move my own furniture.

Chat
1 week ago    |   Tags: grandma gimp illinois tennessee   |   Notes: 1

  • Grandma: (re: Illinois) If they didn’t want an ‘s’ on it, they shouldn’t have put it there.
  • Gimp: Okay, say Tennessee.
  • Grandma: Tennesseeeeee.

Papa Lou

Chat
1 week ago    |   Tags: gimp grandma mom papa lou  

  • Gimp: When it’s posted in the neighborhood papers before it gets to her, you done screwed up.
  • Mom: Oh, did you tell him you were datin’ too?
  • Grandma: No.
  • Gimp: Yes. That’s all she talked about when she was up there teachin’ Aubry canasta.

Country Grammar

Chat
1 week ago    |   Tags: grandma gimp  

  • Grandma: When these kids was small—
  • Gimp: Wait. When these kids was small? You ain’t been down here long enough to start screwin’ up yer English.